February 18, 2017

Learning to Accept That I Only Have So Many Spoons

    I am not okay.

    The last few weeks and really this whole year so far have been really hard on me mentally and physically.  I have had more than a few days where I have had so little energy or been in so much pain that I really couldn't get anything done.  These days have forced me to start accepting that yes I am a spoonie.  And I am not so good at planning my energy.  

    Planning my time and energy has always been an issue for me.  But on top of that is overestimating what I will have the energy for.  This is probably due to knowing that other people can do that much and having people rub that in my face.  It can be really hard to turn off the internalized ableism that is playing over and over again in my head.  It also does not help that my metabolism is so high that I can be fine and energetic one minute and suddenly famished or drained the next.  

    I feel like I am a lot luckier than a lot of the spoonies I know.  I usually have more energy than them and I am usually stronger.  I am not bed bound as often as some others.  But my bad days can hit several at a time and like I said my metabolism makes it really difficult to tell how long I will have energy.  I need to sit down and reevaluate my goals and start portioning out the energy I should have and not the energy someone else should have.  I also have to account for the fact that I have a reading disorder and that means it can take a lot longer to do things.  

    And even now my mind is resistant to accepting that yes I am a spoonie and that I need to be more careful with myself.  I always have this fear that I don't belong somewhere.  I am always afraid that I am not wanted.  It is complicated, but health and mental health is like that.  It just ain't simple.

    Tata for now.

Lilian A. Brennan


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