March 1, 2017

#spoonie Learning to Say No and I Have To Stop

    I am a gamer.  D&D, or any table top RPG I have gotten to try so far, are exciting and fun.  Even the LARPs are things I have loved.  But when it comes to activities with other people like that I am pretty terrible at saying when I have to stop.  I have been fairly good about saying when I can't do something because of the dyslexia.  For example, the game is done for the night and we have all leveled up.  "Can't level my character right now guys I can't read anything."  But as for actually stopping the game when I need to either because I need to take an emotions break or because I am running out of spoons all together.  I am pretty terrible at that.  And this last Saturday kicked my ass.  Hands down.   I didn't mention that I needed to stop and sleep, because we were in the middle of a dungeon.  Hell I knew I needed to at least take a break before the dungeon because of emotions and potential bleed, but I didn't say anything.  So by the time we finished I couldn't even sleep for a few hours because I needed to wind down.  I then slept for most of the next day and a half.  I couldn't do anything the next day.  I had to just go back to bed.  Even after my sleeping for a day and half it took a few days before I recovered.  I am still not sure how recovered I am.  I am really bad at this.

    I know I have build up this bad habit due a lot in part to people expecting me to push myself.  Not just shit people either.  You know those abusive and toxic people that you meet that expect everything out of you.  No not just them.  The whole society seems to push this notion that we should all push through everything.  It is even in the narrative.  The starving student.  Work your way through college on nothing but redbulls and ramen noddles.  That ain't healthy.  And you are going to do damage to your body in the processes.  I have met older people who lived the hard life and warn against pushing yourself too hard and spreading yourself too thin.  But in the work place that is what is expected and even among friends.

    I have a better friend group now.  but even then you can't just erase a lifetimes worth of the pushing yourself narrative overnight.  I need to actually learn that it is okay to stop and take care of myself.  But I am not totally sure where to start and I am not sure if I even trust enough to let the people around me know when I need it.

    So here is a question to all the more expedienced spoonies out there.  Any advice?

Please excuse the messy writing style and grammar.  Just sort of throwing my thoughts on the page haphazardly.  If anything doesn't make sense just ask.  Dyslexia makes for some interesting mistakes now and then.


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